You will have significant experiences.
I hope that you will write them down and keep a record of
them, that you will read them from time to time and refresh
your memory of these meaningful and significant things.
Some may be funny. Some may be significant only to you.
Some of them may be sacred and quietly beautiful. Some
may build upon another until they represent a lifetime of
special experiences.
- Gordon B Hinckley

Sunday, September 15, 2013

The Prayers of My Heart...

Dear Family and Friends,

I’ve never considered myself to be a particularly religious least not in a formal way.  I am more spiritual I suppose.  I believe in God and ever since Everett, I have had a closer relationship with Him.  I pray daily, several times a day, and when I have a life decision to make, I often find myself turning to Him for guidance.  There are events that happened with Everett that could not be explained by anything (in our opinion) other than the intervention of God.  And I’ve never forgotten that feeling of being in awe of His power.  

Our decision to get pregnant again relied heavily, for me anyway, on my belief that God has a plan for my life...and not just any plan but a plan for my benefit.  I understand now that the benefits aren’t always readily seen and sometimes they can take years to manifest themselves.  Reflecting on the past three years, we have had some times of incredible suffering and challenge.  But we’ve also had many times of immense joy and triumph.  Those triumphs would not have come if not for the challenges.  I can see how every aspect of my life has been improved by not only Everett, but by the struggles we had to keep him.  If not for him being born the way he was, I think Zac and I would be very different parents.  I think we would lack patience and would possibly focus on achievement rather than appreciation.  I would not know the direction for my career, we might not live in our current home, and we would not have some of the enduring friendships that have been born from everything Everett.  Years later, I see why he had to be who he is.  I understand it.  I accept it.  And I really feel every part of the long journey was to our benefit.  

With this baby, we decided pre-conception that we did not want any genetic testing.  Then when the time came to make the decision, I waffled a little as the fear of the unknown crept in.  But Zac lovingly reminded me that results of tests wouldn’t change our decision in moving forward.  So we decided to focus on the joys of this pregnancy and deal with challenges if or when they arose.  Getting to that point of surrender was hard.  But I’ve come to realize, it isn’t about what I want or how I’ve pictured my life.  It isn’t even about what I think I deserve.  It is about what I need...what I was meant to have.  And so my daily prayers for this baby always begin with thanking God for the opportunity and then asking Him to grant us the “perfect” child for our family.  I don’t ask for the “perfect” child in the sense of a child without defects, free of delays or anomalies.  I don’t even ask for a boy or a girl, for blue eyes or blonde hair.  I simply pray that the child we receive is one that fits who we are and where our lives are going...the one that is meant for our family.

All of life is an act of faith.  If you really think about it, there is precious little that is in our control.  I chose to relish in the belief that I will not be given any challenge that I am not equipped to handle.  I chose to focus on the thought that in every situation, no matter how dire or life-shattering, there is a benefit and a reason if you look hard enough to find it.  Understanding this helps take some of the fear away, helps shift the burden to someone else.  Nothing happens in life without immense purpose.  We’ve just got to keep the faith.  

With Heartfelt Prayer,

The Bollinger Family

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